personal logs
for me eyes only, look carefully1/15/25
hopeless/hopeless. Strictly as a feeling not a truth, which is how everyone who says that understands it.1/04/25
The only thing keeping me alive is my curiousity, I despise the present, I don't have a past, and the future must be better.I have been really very depressed lately, I am not connected to anyone in any capacity, I am a misfit with real people and online communities. I hope I can collect other people like me through my projects, for want of a nefarious word. so far I get almost exclusively criticism, though I really love the positive comments, they are not lost on me. Earlier I had someone harass me via this website, later emailed and claimed they were worried about me, take note that the harassment and creepy junk does not make anyone feel cared for, and do not take it lightly when I ask you to leave me alone.
I would much rather have a million heathcliff's than any cathy’s.
12/31/24
I really do miss everyoneAlthough I do think people percieve me in two ways: This guy is NUTS (as highlighted in my solution to getting mugged: throw up on the money) OR this guy is a school shooter, which I used to have a duster so a very grounded thought. I got the duster because I love westerns by the way not because of childdeath. I got thrown out of high school multiple times for sneaking in and being a part of the recycling club which I think highlights both points very well. I have a lot of people I don't connect with but that is hopefully a highschool thing, and a suburban thing, these white people are crazy, and these city people "don't have no sense"!
12/31/24
goddamn I feel so alone, I don't have a single person to talk to, atleast not in the way I want to talk. Acquaintance lifestyle. I miss everyone I have met in some small way. I don't really get internet culture, I know about sigma and betacuckmale and all that but I don't understand much past all star.I think the most romantic or titillating experience I have had the past year is when I got a really amazing deal on cabbage, and made a bitchass stirfry.
I have been feeling unwell for more than a month now, I strongly dislike being sad, and helping people is the only thing that really makes me feel better, I hope I can get a chance with that soon. I want to cook for someone again.
12/30/24
so damn cold all the time, either because of how thin i've been getting, or I suspect more likely that I am very sick and maybe deficient vitamin wise, need more flintstones gummies he can save me. barney bam bam wilma and caveman billy, nobody knows what this means but thats how it is on my secret page.12/26/24
Didn't do anything of note yesterday except bike around for 4 hours or so, and as holden caufield says: "damn near contracted frostbite" I'm guessing it's due to my poor health lately12/25/24
so damn lonely and bored. the rash on my face makes me look like an anime character, I hope I don't have to go to the hospital.12/24/24
It seems like christmastime, but its not. I think this sadness is going to stay more permanently than I thought, and I need to work with it in a non temporary way. I got lots of plans and it won't be easy but I'll give it my all like ash Ketchum.I have been thinking about this log system too, strange to be semi public like this, but I think every part of my life is public. I think if you pay enough attention nobody really keeps secrets, and I feel I have less than anyone.
12/20/24
My phone broke recently and I had to buy a new one. This was a heart wrenching process for me. I hate buying new things that I use everyday and I hate not being able to use the same thing forever, I feel like I let it down, my trusty phone. I love my new phone and can only hope it lasts forever, godspeed, right to repair act. I bought a new laptop last year and that was game changing, I hope it lasts forever and I hope I am taking care of it properly, I went through 4 Walkmans this year learning how to service them properly and I don't see myself ever being a master, godspeed sony capstans.12/19/24
Plants to me are about caring, and I think it’s easy to get caught up in buying more instead of caring at times like these (decembermas) but I need to separate those two, all you need is water and some sunlight, no need for complication. Not that I buy a ton of stuff as it stands. And to the first point plants aren’t just about selfish caring, I hope they do well too. I have a headache, goodnight.12/16/24
these logs seem almost counterproductive and I know I will delete them, but I can't get myself to do much of anything else, and the writing is nice.12/14/24
feel eerie, like i'm living with ghosts. I am in the places these people were, but there's no trace of them. not a hint of any life I left12/10/24
Didn't get much sleep lastnight, almost three hours12/9/24
I got more sleep and things are more stable, but lots of things are bugging me that I don't want to vocalize. I have done crazy stuff I would have never believed I could do and managed to juggle a crazy amount of junk and not die on top of that, but not a single person knows. There a few people that make me feel crazy like stan lee era peter parker but for the most part everything is really alright, just uneventful. I guess it's just pride.The sickness is residing and i'm just very sad about the cold weater. I wish my flowers could come inside.
12/8/24
for about three weeks trying to sleep gives me these big panic attacks, I know why but I wish it would stop. I would be terrible company for any sleepovers slash slumber parties.I feel very stuck and I know my very poor health is a big reason why, I can't sleep, I've been jumpy about every damn thing, I look like nosferatou (ratchef), and I've been consistenly sick for about 3 weeks now.
When I got back I was surprised seeing my room, it feels impersonal and depressing, I don't feel right here, like maximum offense loitering. all I can think about are my cassettes, I need to get those back, I really don't care about any other possesion too much.
activity log:
got off the fourteen hour flight at 8am, ran errands, don't remember anything from 10 to 5 but at 5 I was home and passed out, I got up at 10 and cleaned my room. I had an egg this morning and that's all for food, should be fine for one day but noted for health reasonsdeleted excerpt from an old post: