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personal logs

Kept here as a backup

12/16/24

these logs seem almost counterproductive and I know I will delete them, but I can't get myself to do much of anything else, and the writing is nice.

12/14/24

feel eerie, like i'm living with ghosts. I am in the places these people were, but there's no trace of them. not a hint of any life I left

12/10/24

Didn't get much sleep lastnight, almost three hours

12/9/24

I got more sleep and things are more stable, but lots of things are bugging me that I don't want to vocalize. I have done crazy stuff I would have never believed I could do and managed to juggle a crazy amount of junk and not die on top of that, but not a single person knows. There a few people that make me feel crazy like stan lee era peter parker but for the most part everything is alright, just uneventful. I guess it's just pride.
The sickness is residing and i'm just very sad about the cold weater. I wish my flowers could come inside.

12/8/24

for about three weeks trying to sleep gives me these big panic attacks, I know exactly why but I wish it would stop. I would be terrible company for any sleepovers slash slumber parties.
I feel very stuck and I know my very poor health is a big reason why, I can't sleep, I've been jumpy about every damn thing, I look like nosferatou (ratchef), and I've been consistenly sick for about 3 weeks now.
When I got back I was surprised seeing my room, it feels impersonal and depressing, I don't feel right here, like maximum offense loitering. all I can think about are my cassettes, I need to get those back, I really don't care about any other possesion too much.

activity log:

got off the fourteen hour flight at 8am, ran errands, don't remember anything from 10 to 5 but at 5 I was home and passed out, I got up at 10 and cleaned my room. I had an egg this morning and that's all for food, should be fine for one day but noted for health reasons

deleted excerpt from an old post:

More on literature

I have been thinking about the past lately, the recent past of two years ago. I was a very lonely person. I also realize my loneliness comes from when I posted online the famous quote “there's no such thing as bad publicity” said of course by P.T. barnum, and I attributed it to adolf hitler, of world war two fame. I was very full of friends until that very moment. I want to say this here so that you all know my stance and, possibly, will take me back into the well regarded circle of your friendship. I do not support the actions of that guy, and since last summer, have found out about his thing with 6 thousand jews or so. I am dissapointed, to say the least.

Note on videos

I hope to stick to my schedule of a new video every Sunday for the foreseeable future, I'm not too happy with the quality of the third log, but it's fine because it is just to show my family back home, next week an awesome video is coming out that is for the masses, stay tuned.